LITTLE BLACK BOOK OF SCRIPTS

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Little Black Book Of Scripts

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We dated. A little. I told you that, didn't I? Let me think. Thought I did. Are you gonna be cool staying here by yourself? Don't let him walk you.

Who's the boss? Because we don't sit around talking about past relationships. She was a relationship. You told me about that med student you dated right before me.

And then the girl before that. What's her name? It's just, you end up fighting over old ghosts. It's history. It's over. The past is past. That's before the past was a supermodel that barfed quietly.

You know, I don't pry into your old boyfriends. Here's a little tip: I never dated Brad Pitt. All right. Shut it off, okay? Look, I've had really bad experiences If you have to know, we had problems in bed.

Hallelujah - Okay? So no more Lulu Fritz? I will never mention the name "Lulu Fritz" again. We made an agreement not to discuss old relationships. Those who do not learn from his history are condemned to repeat it. Doesn't matter who he dated.

What matters is why he stopped. Say Derek's like Neil. How do you find out before you're too far gone? He won't say: "I was screwing my way through the phone book. They'll always give dirt. What are they like? You can tell a lot by studying where he came from.

I haven't met them. He doesn't bring girls home. Meeting the folks? I don't wanna make him feel uncomfortable. Let's not do that. That'd be bad. You have a right Nay, an obligation to find out more. He's away for, what, two weeks? Take that time, I beg you. Learn a few things. Information's power. You wanna keep your man, you find out why they didn't.

Look, I agree. There's better ways to do it.

Since no one argues with the lord and master, you gotta get creative. All men should come with letters of recommendation, or warning labels.

Or little black books. Does he have one? Speaking of which, what was Lulu's last name? Working Girl,. You've never seen it? Staten Island girl trying to make her way in the big city And Mike Nichols. He's famous. He's a genius. Plus, he's married to Diane Sawyer. I don't wanna be her, Barb.

I wanna work with her. I will work with her. I believe I will. Ira Nachlis.

Senior associate producerlproducer, Kippie Kann Do. I am trying to give a young innocent her minutes of fame. We'd like you to come in tomorrow for an interview. We'll do lunch and throw up Catch up. I would love to expose myself to your viewers.

Not going there. So how did the documentary affect your personal life, Lulu? Well, it forced Stephen, my ex, to face his truth. He barfed too. And before Stephen? I didn't date much. I was shy. And ugly. Why do supermodels say how ugly they were when they were young?

Is it because they want us to know they suffered? Do they think that it makes them more deserving? That we'll forgive them their bounty? Note to supermodels: None of us believe you. So the only relationship you ever had ever was Stephen? I mean, I dated a few people. His name came out of that mouth. Her "Derek" was my Derek. She is. Go ahead. I was so young. I can hardly remember. Someone needs to chill.

Actually, the bedroom Two, sometimes three times a day. Funny how your memory just snapped back like that. Anyways, Derek and I didn't talk much. I just used him for Why'd you split? I did. All the time. But he stuck around like a lovesick puppy. Finally, I asked him to go back to his old girlfriend. She called all the time, begging him, pleading. She mentioned it. Well, Joyce. He only went back to her out of pity.

I wonder what he's doing now. Hey, Derek. This is Lulu! Just thought I'd give you a call and let you know I was in town. Quietly barfing cow.

And suddenly, my certain world didn't seem so certain after all. Hi, Bob. Are you hungry? I'm not hungry. Lulu dangled before me like bait on a wire. I swallowed it whole It was time for the past to meet the present.

Bob, look. A box. I just need to clean up some stuff. He told me to. Just checking things out, you know? Oh, look. So this is hysterical Joyce. You don't look so desperate. You look athletic. And pretty. Where was this taken? New York City Marathon. Where you crossed the finish line. And you were crying. And so was Derek while he hugs you. There's so many neat pictures, Bob.

Rachel Keyes. You are a podiatrist, I think? What's with that little minx-like smile? Can you just not look at me like that, please? It's making me very uncomfortable. I'm done. And don't judge me. Okay, Bob? Hey, Stacy, it's me. You there? Okay, I guess you're out with Bob. Listen, I left my Palm at home. I need you to go through it and get me some numbers.

Take care. Did you hear that, Bob? Derek left his Palm at home. Guess we'll have to look for it. If I were a Palm, where would I be? If we were Palms, where would we be, Bob? Where is it? Where could it be right now? He asked for it. Where could it be?

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Life's about certainty. It's about being in control. Password, password, password. What would his password be? Thank you. Go to your bed. Go to your bed, Bob! Seconds before opening the metallic case I envisioned all the evil flowing into the world. I was Pandora. And then I got over it. Look at that. Joyce works at the Kaleidoscope Kitchen. Brand-new place. Know what that means? It's a new entry. That place has only been open two, three months. How would he know that unless they still talk?

We could give her a little jingle. Where's Leo? We're doing research on an upcoming episode Now, how about that doctor he dated? What was her name? Look what you learned with Lulu. He didn't cheat. Little lie. Unless it's a pattern. Say, hypothetically, you get a dog.

And you find out his grandfather and father chased cars. In fact Chances are he'll chase cars. Helpful information you can only get by doing research. You need to find out, is your man a car-chaser? People are creatures of habit.

Last one. Their behavior is patterned. After Neil slept with half of Newark, I found out he'd been doing it for years. So keep yourself dumb and believe what he tells you, or Up to you. Now, what was the name of that chiropractor? Look, make an appointment. That's all. See how you feel once you meet her.

If you don't do the whole Kippie spiel, at least your feet will be happy. You wanna work with Diane Sawyer? You gotta learn how to do research. In the field. Health and Wellness Women's Clinic. Hold, please. Look under the hood before you download the car. Thank you for holding. Yes, I'd like to make an appointment with Dr. Keyes, please. We have one for Thursday morning. Barb Campbell-hyphen-Dunn. And what is this regarding, please?

Plantar warts. Hurt like hell. Hey, don't let the chickens out! I was strangely calm waiting to meet the woman Derek dated before me. So calm, in fact, I never questioned the gown Okay, each month you might notice a change in your body I understand what you mean.

I just don't know why you'd want to know So, what brings you in here today? Well, mostly when you step on them. Heels, you know. I have a bit of a shoe fetish. I'm trying to stay away from them. It's my bad. Well, maybe you can be more specific as to where the warts are.

I'm very flexible. They're sort of deep down. Just look way deep down inside. You can't really see them unless you look inside.

Well, maybe not that way. Why don't you just relax, Barbara. There you go. Just going to put your feet in these stirrups. Not a podiatrist? Ten-to- those aren't for the opera. Someone left their panties on. Good girl. I'm spread-eagle for my boyfriend's ex, who's about to go searching for warts. Barbara, you know what they say, right?

You can never be too rich, too thin, or too far down on the table. So let's scooch you. There we go. You may feel a bit of pressure. Would you take a look at that cervix, Nurse Kisilevsky? I'm not the first person who's told you that, I'm sure. Can't hear it enough. It was all too horrible. I had to avert my eyes. Which made me focus on a sight more horrific. Midst what seemed like an unusual amount of Dr. Keyes' beauty shots Rachel Keyes and Bob?

Stinky Bob! Why would she have a picture with him unless he was hers?

Worse, theirs. I needed to take control. Keyes, I work with the Kippie Kann show. You would never be interested in being on television would you? Call me Rachel. I started the vitamin company about a year and a half ago. It's just taken off. And look. Your picture's on it. Sure you did. So tell me, Rachel. What did you have to sacrifice to get here?

I never wanted to settle in order to settle down. Back to pets. I noticed a picture of a dog in the examination room.

He's my ex's dog, but I raised him. The dog. I could've lobbied to keep him when we split. But med school by day, the book by night. Second printing. Take one. I'll just bill you for it. It's a play on words. Oh, and there's that picture again. My ex. But I have visitation rights. The photograph in the exam room was taken a few weeks ago at a picnic.

A picnic? A few weeks ago? He went on a picnic with this self-obsessed prodigy? Good news. Your warts have cleared up. That's good to know. Welcome back to "Grandma's a Hooker, So Handle lt. I pull down about five grand a weekend. Ten if I bring a friend. What do you say, Kippie?

How'd it go? But my warts have cleared up. She was a gynecologist! Can you? A gynecologist? Don't screw up. She's an absolute freak of nature. She's got to be, like, what,? She's publishing books. She's practicing medicine. And there's like a zillion pictures of her in her office. And let's not forget the little vitamin company that's just taken off. He's attracted to extraordinary women. Which is why he's with you now.

The only salient information you need to know is, did he cheat? She was more in love with herself. It's just that he saw her a few weeks ago. They picnicked, which is totally fine. He's completely free to picnic with whomever.

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Bob, slow down. You're rocking the Palm. You're out with a guy. Loves the lips. Farts a lot. Course not! I've been kind of busy here, you know? We don't live here, Bob! Come on! As in "Keyes to Your Vagina," Bob? What's going on?

You wanna hear something funny? Bob just dragged me up the steps of a brownstone On Malverne. You think he has a friend in the neighborhood? Dark-haired genius, about ' "? Stace, he's a dog. If you let him, he'll walk all over you. Wonder where he learned it. Honey, I'm sorry. I've gotta go. Okay, call you from a hard line. Bob, come on. Down here. I need you to be very, very quiet. As I squatted, holding the snout of a dog in love with another woman I sadly realized I had reached an all-time low.

Oh, come here, sweetheart! You little pie!

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What are you doing out there? Where's your daddy? Let's go call Daddy. Come on, little pumpkin head. I ran out on my mani. Where is he?

In there. With her.

Number two. The dog-walker. Did she have pictures of herself in there? That makes me feel better. This little guy could make me very happy. Now you're officially scaring me. Oh, wow. So Joyce has freckles, huh? And she's not self-conscious. So many women hide their bodies these days, but not her. And she You know, there she is. Should I press it? I'm not doing this. I can't. It's like going through someone's drawers. Hey, Stace?

Would you wear a thong in front of your boyfriend's parents? Hawaii, ' "? He doesn't bring girls home, huh? Christmas, '. They went to Aspen. I can't believe this. He could have a sister named Joyce, who he French kisses. And licks. Dare you to press the next arrow.

It's out of power. Hurry up, Bob! I'll be right back. All systems go! I know. Because you can. Would I like to sync?

Here's the thing You'll thank me. Presenting Joyce Moore and her cheesy music. Make it stop. Oh, great. Now it's frozen. Here's the thing. If you're happy with what you know I mean, hypothetically, you are in this great relationship with Neil. You get married. You have kids.

You're totally and completely fulfilled. Then Neil dies. Does he die tragically? Then you find out he cheated. That he had this whole other life. Now, does that detract from what you two had together? They are betrayals.

Hey, there. It's Joyce Moore. Do the deed after the beep. The computer called Joyce? I was standing over here. Hey, you got Derek's machine. You know what to do and when to do it. Derek, you there?

It's Joyce. My caller ID said you just phoned. Why did you hang up? I've been waiting for you to call since last week. Give me a holler. If I'm not home, try my cell. By the way, everyone loved your joke. His joke? What joke? Derek doesn't joke. Nobody thinks he's funny. He's not funny. What does this mean?

I think it means she's not history. Is it always like this here? It's Derek. He's checking the messages. He's going to hear Joyce. Smash it! Do something! What am I going to do? Kill it. I've just smashed an answering machine with a hockey stick.

Damn proud of you! There were numbers on that machine that he needed, and I I've just smashed it. I smashed the hell out of it. God's punishing me. I hear you, God. You can stop now.

Little Black Book Script

What has happened to me? They all talk. Keyes and Derek. Joyce and Derek? Maybe they all talk to each other. Maybe it's just me they don't talk to. Bottom line is, he's withheld.

And if he has nothing to hide, why hide these old relationships? I just need to. Joyce Moore? I'm sorry to call so late. We're doing a segment on chefs and we'd love to talk to you.

No, I'm not kidding. So I'll call tomorrow, and we'll set something up. I'd love to talk to you. You were hiding in my doorway last night, smothering a dog. I was not smothering him. It's a little game we play. Double espresso, please. You already scare people. If I do, you gonna hold my snout? I'll get the latte and you get a chai iced tea. I heard that.

You're Barb. How did you know it was me? Lucky guess. I'll be watching. You're a jokester. We have this little thing. So I've heard amazing things about you, about the Kaleidoscope. Who've been there. Who know your work. You have a fan base. So tell me about the show. I haven't watched much, but doesn't Kippie Kann do more of the So I pitched this idea, which is this cook-off. This is its research stage, where I pretend that I'm Diane Sawyer That's funny.

You know, she was in the restaurant last week. Do you want your latte? Who was? She was here? In Jersey? The night manager knows her field producer She's really nice. She is? I've wanted to meet her my whole entire life. Then you will. I believe in destiny, don't you? Listen, real quick then. My machine at home is screwed up.

I need numbers. That's great. Okay, I need to get Could you look up Rafalsky Can I borrow a pen and a piece of?I was spending practically all my time at Derek's. Meeting the folks? You can't corner the midget market! You can tell a lot by studying where he came from. It makes it more personal, rather than asking if John Smith is in, which is more formal. I can hardly remember. Is their energy high? I'll get the latte and you get a chai iced tea.

I understand what you mean. Side two.

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